I recall recall how miserable I was, and how one day you brought me to a realization realization of my miserable state. I was preparing to deliver a eulogy eulogy upon the emperor in which I would tell plenty plenty of lies with the object of winning favor with the well informed by my lying; so my heart was panting with anxiety and seething with feverish, corruptive thoughts. As I passed through a certain certain district in Milan I noticed a poor beggar, drunk, as I believe, and making merry. merry. I groaned groaned and pointed out pointed out to the friends who were with me how many hardships hardships our idiotic enterprises entailed. entailed. Goaded Goaded by greed, I was dragging dragging my load of unhappiness along, and feeling it all the heavier for being dragged. dragged. Yet while all our efforts efforts were directed solely to the attainment of unclouded joy, it appeared appeared that this beggar had already beaten us to the goal, a goal which we would perhaps perhaps never reach ourselves. With the help of the few paltry paltry coins he had collected by begging this man was enjoying the temporal temporal happiness for which I strove by so bitter, bitter, devious devious and roundabout roundabout a contrivance. His joy was no true joy, to be sure, but what I was seeking seeking in my ambition ambition was a joy far more unreal; and he was undeniably undeniably happy while I was full of foreboding; foreboding; he was carefree, I apprehensive. apprehensive. If anyone had questioned me as to whether I would rather rather be exhilarated exhilarated or afraid, afraid, I would of course have replied, "Exhilarated"; "Exhilarated"; but if the questioner had pressed me further, further, asking whether I preferred to be like the beggar, or to be as I was then, I would have chosen to be myself, laden laden with anxieties and fears. Surely that would have been no right choice, but a perverse perverse one? I could not have preferred my condition to his on the grounds that I was better educated, because that fact was not for me a source of joy but only the means means by which I sought sought to curry favor with human beings: I was not aiming to teach them but only to win their favor.